Ask Kate: I caught my husband giving oral sex to another man in our bed!
I came home a bit early from work one day and found my husband in bed with another man, he was giving him oral sex on our bed.
They stopped when they saw me come into the bedroom. The other guy just put on his pants and said “sorry” and left the room. I was shocked, I didn’t know how to feel, horrified, sad, aroused, betrayed, every single emotion a woman could feel, along with a rush of blood to my face. My husband kept saying “sorry, sorry, sorry”.
Since the blowjob incident, our relationship has been awkward, to say the least. He explained to me he just wanted to try it. He met the other guy at a bar during lunch and the other guy propositioned him. My husband said in a spur-of-the-moment decision, he decided to act on it. I asked him if he liked it, he said “no” but I can tell he is lying. I keep quizzing him about it which creates more awkwardness and mistrust between us.
I feel less of a woman, I think he prefers other men to me, it makes me feel unattractive. Did I turn him gay?
Our relationship is just weird now, we have not had sex since the incident. He is on eggshells around me and every time I am with him it feels awkward, and in my mind, I am always asking the question, does he want another man and not me, don’t I make him happy anymore?
Help, what should I do?
Dear Blowjob Betrayal,
First of all, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, cheating of any kind is so tough to deal with and such a blow (no pun intended) to the ego. Secondly, you didn’t turn him gay, if people have the urge to be with a different gender then that’s all on them. He could have had this urge long before he even met you.
Now, you have a few different options on how you can handle this situation but first, you need to ask yourself, do you really think this was the first time he has done this? I find it hard to believe that a married man has his first blowjob experience at lunchtime on a weekday in the home he shares with his wife. Something tells me he may have done this more than a few times, also, I’d say he was definitely hanging out at a certain kind of bar to have had this kind of encounter.. if that really is where he met this guy.
So, first, you need to try and communicate with him to get the truth out of him. Try speaking to him in a calm manner, tell him you’re not angry you just want him to be open and honest with you and you’ll listen to him judgment-free, you may feel like whacking him across the face as he unfolds the truth but leave that until you get the whole truth out of him (joking.. kind of.)
Without trust it is hard to continue a relationship so you have to ask yourself do you still want to be with this man knowing that he is also into men or if it’s something you just can’t get past then, sadly, it may be time to separate.
However, if you feel you can be open to this newfound side of his sexuality then it could be a great opportunity for both of you to have some fun and open your eyes to a whole new world. Now, this may seem a little crazy and scary and isn’t for everyone but hear me out. Ask your husband if you can join him next time he hooks up with a man.. yep you heard me. You could even do it on the grounds that you get to choose the guy. Think about it, you get to have sex with not only your husband who you’re comfortable with and who knows all your wants and needs in the bedroom but you get to introduce a new and fresh man of your choice into the mix. There are so many places you can look for this special third person, swingers clubs, adult dating sites like Adult Match maker, or this so-called ‘bar’ your husband went to.
Another possibly daunting but very fun option is to have an open marriage, more specifically in your case a mixed-orientation marriage which is a marriage between partners of different sexual orientations, pretty self-explanatory in the name. This means that if you’re both not into or get bored of the threesomes or you’d like to have your own fun on the side then you can while being open and honest with each other about seeing other people.
I know these options may seem daunting and maybe ‘not your thing’ but let’s look at the positives here:
- You get different needs met that perhaps you can’t satisfy for each other, but this doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough or enough for him. No one person can satisfy every need.
- You get to have a more open, honest,, and communicative relationship with your husband
- You get to have that fun feeling of being single and playing the field again.
- You can rediscover your sexuality
Now obviously relationships are a two-way street and your husband needs to onboard and also take responsibility for his betrayal and be willing to be open up and lay it all on the table for you before going further but if this can happen this could be the start of a whole new crazy exciting life dor you.
I really hope this advice has helped you out and I’d love an update on which route (or should I say root) you chose to go.